Before you say "I Do"
Do you prefer to do something and then tell your partner about it, or
discuss it first before proceeding?
Something as simple as understanding the communication preferences of
the one you love can go a long way toward a lasting marriage.
“Communication dynamics involves looking at similarities and differences
they have. Are they an introvert or an extrovert? Process-oriented or
goal-oriented? How do they function? The point is to learn how you’re
each put together,” said Rev. Julie Chai, a Traverse-City based ordained
minister who offers premarital counseling services around Northern
Michigan, including Emmet and Charlevoix counties.
She offered one example of a couple where the man complained there was
never anything to eat in the refrigerator. The woman said she always
informed him as she was leaving for the store and that he never offered
any input on groceries. But Chai uncovered their different communication
styles — he needed time to process information and get back to her on
it, while she preferred to tell him what she was doing and then go and
do it.
“She was a verbal processor and he’s a ‘get away and think about it.’
When they came back for their vows, he said, ‘I’m finally getting
everything I want to eat!’” Chai recalled.
‘The little things’
Chai said it’s important for both partners to feel included and that
their communication needs are being met and understood. “It’s those
little things,” she said.
When she meets with couples, they undergo a three-step process with her.
The first session involves meeting and “talking about what they love
about each other so much” and the direction they want to take with the
vows and ceremony.
The second step is communication dynamics, the premarital counseling
stage. Thirdly, after she feels she has gotten to know the couple, the
vows are written for the ceremony.
The approach, she feels, sets her apart from unknown Internet-ordained
ministers or others who perform ceremonies but don’t take time to get to
know the couple or help them discuss important premarital issues. “You
can’t get into what’s going to be bothering these couples three or four
years down the road that way,” she said.
She prides herself on the personal approach and emotions that her
ceremonies often invoke in the couple and their guests. “I know how to
deliver words and meaning in a ceremony so that they open the hearts of
people,” Chai said.
And opening the hearts of the couple even further to embrace each
other’s unique qualities can help ensure a long happily ever after.
“I teach them a dynamic to get what they need and still honor and
respect the other person,” she added. “As long as you feel your needs
have been honored and respected, in terms of being able to verbally
process, as long as you don’t feel attacked, overwhelmed, cut off or
frustrated, you will be able to compromise.”
Visit Chai’s Web site at www.juliechai.com for more information.
Making it last
Couples who have been married for many years share similar outlooks and
aspects of their marriages. About.com compiled the results of interviews
and found these couples:
• Continue to build intimacy — both sexually and emotionally —
throughout the marriage
• Create passion for life and for one another
• Forgive one another and don’t hang on to past baggage and past hurts;
they are willing to let go and move forward
• Continue to be committed to each other and celebrate commitment
• Like one another as friends
• Have fun together, laugh and use humor in healthy ways
• Comfort, encourage and affirm each other
• Are able to stand on their own feet as a couple and are not dependent
either financially or emotionally on either set of parents
• Respect one another’s needs for privacy and space
• Parent together
• Deal with crisis and adversity together
• Fight fairly
• Accept differences without trying to change your spouse
• Keep romance alive.
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